Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.