Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
he looks great for his age
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.