[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Safety first
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything