It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When news reporters do sports stories
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.