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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
But is it really??
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.