Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.