Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
bears
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?