How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
choose your fighter
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.