I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Sex so good you see dead people.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother