Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*mops up wine with cat*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
My dog learned how to text
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.