it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Never be a pizza!
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣