People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff