New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Science memes
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.