Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
😂💯
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.