HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Last-minute gift idea!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.