For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.