*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
That eye roll….
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle