me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
This is my cat’s medicine.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.