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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I am HOWLING at this
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Not all heroes wear capes….
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?