There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Lol #dogsoftwitter
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Pretty much! 😂👀
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.