Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
You Might Also Like
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
New Tinder profile.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.