“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Happy weekend !
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.