[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
wait.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children