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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I can also cook 😂
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
WHO DID THIS?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.