PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
who wore it better?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!