them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
You Might Also Like
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Cool shirt 🙂
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.