Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.