MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
why isn’t thunder called soundning
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I think this cat is broken
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*