I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself