[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Good dog. ❤️