[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
You Might Also Like
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.