McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.