Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
You Might Also Like
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?