Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*mops up wine with cat*
put ‘er there pardner!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.