Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit