Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
…żyje?
❤️🦆
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention