*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying