Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when