It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁