my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hey I worked for it too!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that