uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.