Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Not messing around
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.