ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
same bro
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat