Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Ghost costume 😂
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes