when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Oops
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.