*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
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“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The cake is mightier than the sword.