Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks