An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name