*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Bobby pin
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*