When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga